Boundaries

I've been through an especially trying year and have had to make some very difficult decisions but my life has never been a walk in the park and so difficult has become like second nature to me; in turn things aren't so difficult...  In the past as my younger, less mature self, I think I would have handled things much differently, maybe been more passive and allowed people to take advantage of me or basically be a doormat.  When you have children and a husband; a family of your own, that really isn't an option anymore, and so I've had to learn how to step it up to be a role model and someone that my kids can look up to, respect and want to follow the same values, morals and ethics along with their own as they get older and start to understand the world we live in today a little better.

You see, I had once been a very shy, quiet, polite goody-to-shoes kind of “girl”…  I was very sheltered and protected from the real world by my parents (they had their reasons and I don’t resent it).  I had once found it very difficult to understand people’s agendas for quick judgment, selfishness and greed.  Why so much hatred, dislike, disagreement and miscommunication…?  I tried to be carefree and not allow people and things affect my person and simply lived life almost oblivious to the cruelty in human nature and their actions.  Eventually, I grew tired of ignoring it all…  I can almost pin it but not certain of when exactly.

You can only be pushed so far until your experiences with cruelty becomes too much to brush off or accept it as “water under the bridge.”  Certainly, most things you can brush off and not care to look back at and move on, meaningless and stupid things with nothing to stand on.  But when there’s people that think it OK to take advantage of you at your weakest moments and make it clear it was no big deal to them, that’s were one must draw a line.

If our life’s experiences have taught us nothing, we could allow anyone and I mean anyone to violate us emotionally, physically or mentally again and again just as water passes under a bridge without barrier.  I however, have learned at a young age that if you allow anyone one person to disrespect you, they will in turn learn that it’s OK to do so any time they want.  For this reason, where I would have been passive in my “girl” years I choose to make my voice heard and boundaries clear in my now “parent and women” years.

It’s a common misconception that people don’t expect the fire to come from a quiet person, but it is usually the quiet ones that have the most fire and fight in them.  I may have been sheltered as a child but one thing that resonates in my family was protecting our loved ones and those weaker than us.  I couldn't care less if people messed with me; I have always been able to stand up for myself if I needed to, otherwise it didn't much faze me.  What did faze me was when someone was being picked on just for being and looking a little different or when my best friends were being bullied at school.  That’s still true today with the added bonus of doing me the favor too.

I don’t always find it necessary to stand up for me but if it’s close to home or involves my kids I do stick to my guns because I teach my children that if there is something that they don’t like to be brave and say so.  For example if another child pushes or shoves in a non-playing manner my kids know to express their displeasure by telling them to “stop” until they get it or mimic the behavior right back.  And hey what do you know… it works.  I know that experts will say don’t teach your kids to fight back but man some kids are stubborn and they don’t get the meaning of “no” and “stop” until the same tactic is taken towards them.

Adults are very much like children in some ways (some adults anyways…).  You can explain, express, talk and talk and end up nowhere…  Use the same tactic as your offender though and you’ll notice a shift in energy.  I’m not saying be a hypocrite even though essentially that’s what it is…  Just saying that sometimes a taste of their own medicine can get people to think twice about what they are doing to others by experiencing it for themselves when nothing else true to you is working.

Something that few people get is that offenders will use the tactics that they feel will get the most reaction or fear out of you.  If they don’t see a reaction they usually move on and pick on someone they can use their tactics on and get away with it.  When this is a stranger or a person you can easily cut from your life it’s easy, no problem and forgotten but when it’s not as such it’s a little trickier and that’s when you really have to just put your values into perspective.  The point of putting things into perspective is simply this… if you can set boundaries and they are respected, great! No need to sell out to their level.  If you have set clear boundaries and find that they use loop holes to disrespect just you or you and your family and you are constantly given ultimatums, then setting boundaries with your own ultimatum is the clear answer to upholding your values, morals and ethics.

It is not easy or simple for others to respect your values but if they care enough for the relationship that is at hand with your person or those in your family etc. they will learn to respect you, them, and agree to disagree.  You’ll also learn if these people in your life or person are worth it, because you've placed the ball in their court to make the decision to respect you and have you as you are, just as you respect them for who they are.  If they don’t care enough to respect you then the relationship never meant much to them anyway and you can move on with peace knowing that you made your boundaries clear and stood up for all the right reasons.