Loss of a Loved One

The past 20 months have been life changing and especially difficult for me and my family.  We started the year with no clue of how much our lives were about to change and the lessons that were to be.  We celebrated Holidays and birthdays just like any other year, together.  We went about our days caring for ourselves and the family.  We posted nonsense on Facebook and chatted via text with friends and family out of town-rather than using the phone… We ran errands, worked our daily jobs and did our chores.  Just doing the norms, pretty boring stuff…

It isn’t until something you never expected to happen, happens.  When people say “I never thought this would happen to anyone in my family, but it did”, I am completely empathic and know exactly what they mean.  When it does, it can be a huge wakeup call.

Sadly, we are not immune to anything…  I used to never be concerned about acquiring certain diseases or passing them on to my offspring.  Now, all of that has changed.  In reality, we should really make room to think about certain unexpected health issues that could arise… but when you have a long history of family that never passed away of anything but natural causes (known of) you tend to be more worry free.  That was certainly me 21 months ago.  Now, I know better.

My dad was the first person in my family to be diagnosed with cancer.  Certainly it wasn’t the first time I knew someone with cancer.  I had lost a good friend to cancer just the year before my dad had been diagnosed.  She was young, beautiful and was always cheerful; she had three grown sons and a grandchild.  It was difficult and I was sad that I would never get to seek advice from her or chat about hairstyling techniques or just random girl stuff again.   Her sons were pleasant and made her memorial memorable.  I still didn’t think it would happen to my family, how blinded I was by my ignorance…

Listening to doctors say “he’s terminal and is going to die” was impaling to my soul,  words that were harsh and straight forward not coated to consider your feelings, were more than difficult to hear and to bear.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to listen to in my life.

No matter the age, time or place, no one can ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one, not even yourself.

I was heartbroken and still a part of me wouldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe it and simply didn’t want to believe it.  I was in denial.  I still wanted to know and believe that there was hope and that God would heal him and the cancer would be gone.  You hear stories of hope and people who made it through some of the most aggressive cancers.  So, you think this could be for my loved one too, but it’s the rare person who becomes completely healed and lives on for many more years.  Even so, your mind becomes filled with an illusion of possible outcomes.

All the while having had an abundance of hope and denial built up, there was a friend that told me how it would be and said it’s going to be hard and you will be in pain and even angry for a long time, even years for having been robbed of precious time.  Hearing this before the time was here; made me angry and upset and because they were breaking down the wall of denial I had built to protect myself from showing the pain I was feeling.  But I empathized because this friend knew and suffered the pain that losing a father brought and I understood.  Then there is the friend that listens and gives you a shoulder when you need it no questions asked.  They don’t break your hope down or build you up, they are just there for you because they know you need to vent and clear your mind and just be listened to.  Love and support like this is unforgettable and am so grateful to have had it when I didn’t know how to turn to anyone else.  Most friends will also give you the space you need to just be with family and understand that little or no contact is nothing personal and all about spending the most time possible with your loved one during the difficult time.  They know that when you are ready you will make contact again.  I love that my friends will never make me feel guilty for not calling and can just pick up where we left off; and honestly believe that when you can do this even when your world isn’t falling apart that those are true friendships.

There came a point though that I had to break out of all the denial and come to the realization that no matter how much it would hurt, that this was happening.  The person suffering wasn’t me, it was my dad.  He was being cheated out of seeing his grandchildren grow and not being able to enjoy an ice cream with them again, from catering for his wife and bringing her fresh flowers to her weekly as a token of his love and affection.  From seeing his youngest daughter graduate from college and walk her down the aisle.  From loving and knowing of grandchildren to come, oh-how he loved children and the joy they brought to the world.  I knew there were moments I now wouldn’t be able to share with my dear dad, but this was it for him and I could do nothing but listen and just be there by his side, tell him I love him, kiss him, and hold his hand.

My dad and I weren’t always the best of friends, there were times in my young life when I questioned his actions and it frustrated me.  He wasn’t always the easiest to talk to but we did have meaningful and honest conversations more and more as I got older.  I learned much about him and his way of thinking.  It’s important because I was able to get answers for all the questions I had had even if they seemed irrelevant at the time and these conversations connected the dots for us both and brought us closer together to where we became very good friends and had a strong father daughter relationship.

I’m not a genius but if you listen enough, time will give you all the answers you could possibly want and more.  At least that was my experience.  I can honestly say that we loved and understood each other to where words were not needed.  Nothing else mattered but the love that was held in our mind and heart.  I had more than I could ever wish for.

As I broke out of my denial and started to find closure on the relationship that I had been so lucky to know and have…

My family started to regain hope…

But it was a false line that had been thrown at us… a cruel frolic…

It is said that at times people will start to look as though they are getting better but what’s actually happening is the complete opposite…  Why the cruelty of lifting spirits just before pulling hope away, to soak one in sorrow…?  It’s an inquiry to me.

But, he knew… My dad knew when he was getting closer…

I’m certain of it because he put his things in order so mom wouldn’t be burdened with more than being allowed to grieve, he told us he loved us and other personal things to my mom, sisters and future son in-law he felt each of us needed to know.

I didn’t get to have a last talk with my dear dad but I was ok with it.  I had told him the things I needed to say early on and he always reminded me of what he wanted me to know, everything else was implied through actions.  The last thing he did was hold my hand for the duration of my visit to him, I held his hand and comforted him, told him I loved him again and again.  My kids (his only grandchildren or his babies as he loved to call them) gave him extra kisses the last time we saw him… They filled the house with laughter and joyous play… I had almost stopped them because it had become quiet late at night and the laughter was loud, and then something stopped me.  I had this thought of my dad always enjoying the sound of their laughter so much that it would bring out the brightest smile in him and he would laugh along with them.  So, I just let my kids be.

I’m glad I did because if this left my dad with a last joyous moment to be able to hear the sound of laughter and it comforted him, then I couldn’t ask for anything more.

This was difficult for me to write and even more so to share, but it is a part of me that I feel is important to share with others.  Losing a parent causes pain that is beyond comprehensible and loved ones that you were close to.  Thank you for taking the time to read this, I have read it many times myself before publishing and it’s in some way helped me to heal a little more.  I welcome you to share with me or ask questions if you are going through something like this or are trying to heal as well by private message or commenting below.