Today I want to start with this; in
my last post I wrote about boundaries and I feel really good about the choice I
made to draw that line. I have been
feeling a great amount of weight lifted and a sense of inner peace. Something my mind has been craving for some
time now. Sometimes drawing lines can be
quite intimidating and there’s a level uncertainty you are left with but in the
end it’s all worth it. That’s what’s
happen here.
I have been reflecting on my
present and future during this week and it’s given me a space of clarity. I am very much an introvert so taking time to
myself to think is something I do often and need. As you know if you’ve been following me that
I lost my dad recently, it’s extremely difficult at times to have a clear mind
without feeling heavy. I had been going
to grief therapy to help with coping and some anger from the loss. During the first sessions I was asked to
consider depression medication… I don’t ever like to turn to drugs for a
solution, so I said no. I am glad I
didn’t consider them. I don’t think I
would function as a good parent being numb while caring for two little
ones. That’s the only reason I was asked
to consider it, was to numb me while I got past the grieving stage. Before you start judging though, I am very
aware that my kids come first at all times and I do not allow my grief to get
in the way of nurturing, playing and enjoying my kids. They mean the world to me and I make sure to
put their impressions and growing minds before my grieving emotions, it is hard
at times but then I just take a moment if need be. My son can understand that there’s a change;
that Papa is no longer with us and that he is missed greatly but besides that
he and his sister are very happy little kids.
Most often when we hear the words grief
and grieving we think of it in a negative light. It really isn’t all dark, overcast and
shadows… There is a lot more that comes
with grieving for someone we love so deeply.
Yes, there is a feeling of emptiness left in one’s heart and mind but I
think that’s OK because if I didn’t feel it in some way than the relationship
likely wasn’t one I would have valued.
Instead the pain is in a weird way comforting, it’s not suffering because
that is entirely different, it is comforting because to me it means I’ve taken
a part of my dad with me to be a part of my soul. And I think that’s a wonderful and beautiful thing.
Grieving over a loved one does not
have to be a depressing state of mind.
One of the things about grieving is that it forces you to think about
others more than yourself. You think
about the lost loved one and the lessons they taught, the positive memories
they represent and in memory you uphold their values and reciprocate the ideals
they had. You use them to make yourself
and others in your life better; allowing the lost love one to remain with you
and everyone in your life. They are now
a part of you …which can give you comfort in knowing that while they are “gone”,
they will never actually be gone but instead, still with you. If I had decided to numb this I would not have
learn it.
My dad’s life revolved around family. His love was genuine and very real, so real
that you could feel the love he had for all of us and the pain that came with
loving so hard. This is the same love I
have for my family… and I am so grateful that my dad gave me this gift to know
how to love down to my core.
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