What is Active Listening?

For as long as I can remember my husband and me always have disagreed on whether or not “he” was listening.  He’d say he was listening but couldn't tell me what I had just said or sometimes I’d just get the nod…  Sound familiar yet…?  At times he could tell me some key points but not much else.

Being a communications major student in college, I had the opportunity to submerge myself in my chapter text about “Active Listening”.  You can only imagine the excitement on my face when I found out that there really is a “right” way to listen.  Nodding without eye contact is NOT one of them. 

I have a knack for always being right as my husband tells me, but I simply can’t help it.  I couldn't resist rubbing it in a little of course.  He didn't quite believe it at first and thought I was surely making it up but to his unfortunate luck, I was right again…  I will admit that I didn't know there where actual steps to listening but nonetheless I’ll take the points and share with you the steps in case you would like to also rub it in to your loved ones that need a little more active listening practice.

Steps to become a better Active Listener:

Selecting - Do this by zoning out very sound around you except for the voice of the person speaking, make sure you are facing the person speaking and make eye contact.

Attending - Once the sound/voice is selected you attend by focusing only on the one sound/voice.  Try not get distracted by other things especially if what your attention is being given to doesn't interest you.  If you do zone in and out then you are just being a selective listener; meaning choosing to listen only to what does capture your interest and ignore the rest to give your attention to what does interest you during the moment. This can at times be conscious or unconscious.

Understanding - When deriving meaning, after Selecting and Attending, from what the person speaking to you is trying to communicate, you will have a good understanding of what you are hearing.

Remembering - This is important but no one can be expected to remember what was said verbatim days later (unless of course you have a photographic memory… then by all means accept the challenge), especially if the topic wasn't significant enough for us to cue our brains to store it in one of our brain files for significant topics.  However! Remembering what was said seconds ago should pretty simple, if you followed the first three steps above.  Just saying… 

Responding - Giving a response is a cue to let the other person know you not only were “actively listening”, but also that you understood the message.  Hold on… there’s more… While it’s easy to give answers such as “k” or “Hmm” or nodding it only gives the impression that you've tuned in somewhere but not that you've understood the message.  A response here goes a long way if one response with a question (non-condensing, rude or sarcastic) that shows you listened and understood the message; such as “So you want to go the beach more often because you want to surf more…”

Well, those are the five steps.  It may look like a lot, but once you apply all of them it’s a piece of cake! You won’t even have to think about it and conversations with everyone will become a lot more enjoyable.  You may even get complements on your new “great listening” skills!

If you want to know the resource of where I got the 5 steps to active listening it’s listed below.

Beebe, S.A., Beebe, S.J., & Redmond, M.V. (2011). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (6th ed.). Pearson Education.